Living on the Neener-Net

Super-intelligent psychic robots that can cure cancer using time machines

posted on Jun 2, 2010

Some dude has invented this. No, seriously.

Some choice quotes from the patent:

The key to this form of intelligence is predicting the future.
The time machine is an emulated virtual world of the real world. It is equivalent to the "computer generated dream world" in the Matrix movie or the "Holodeck" in Star Trek.
For example, if the robot was playing a first-person shooting game like Contra...
The robots can also predict Super Bowl 89
In less than one second the robot is able to find a cure for cancer. No physical work has been done to find a cure. Within this one second the robot has a pdf file in his home computer that outlines the cure for cancer. The entire human race for the last 100 years can't find a cure for cancer and yet this machine was able to find a cure in less than 1 second.
The robot will solve the crime in less than one second. No investigation is required or no interrogation of suspects is required.
There is no prior art that relates to robots that have psychic abilities.

Of course this is filed as a software patent, thus proving that not all software patents are obvious and that software patents can genuinely foster innovation. The patent was filed in 2008, and should expire sometime around 2028 if you were thinking of building your own cancer-curing, crime-solving, psychic robot time travellers before then.

High-tech dog toys

posted on Apr 25, 2010

So Lucy, my sweet ol' hound, loves to pull the squeaky mechanisms out of her squeaky toys. These are usually cheap little plastic whistles with a squeeze bulb that activates them. But today Lucy pulled apart her stuffed piggy to reveal the most complex and dangerous dog toy squeaky I have ever seen. I'm pretty sure some of those components, electronic or otherwise, don't go well with dog innards. Is this what happens when you outsource dog squeaky manufacture to China?

America, Fuck Yeah!

posted on Mar 22, 2010

So at first I thought it was a little bit creepy that you can buy a laser boresight for your hunting or assault rifle at Toys-R-Us. Then I clicked on "Additional Info" to read the customer reviews, and was genuinely shocked. A selection of apparently authentic customer comments:

WOW this boresighte laser really saved my 5 year old daughter a lot of 7.62x54 for her PSL sniper rifle.

this product is great!! my 8 year old son's precision 300 win mag rifle is already sighted in but we found another use for this. when we can't make it to the range for live fire, he can lay prone on our second story balcony and practice holds and dry firing on the neighbors and people walking down the street! i can observe where his point of aim is through a spotting scope while laying next to him.

When I got my son an Assault Rifle for his 4th Birthday, my wife was concerned with my sons maturity level, and would he responsibly handle such a deadly tool...

Great item, my four-year-old was able to get his AR15 "on the paper" with little effort. He quickly learned that it is no substitute for a live-fire sight-in though; he missed hitting the neighbor's dog @75 yards until we zeroed with live rounds.

This item keeps the kids at the day-care center paying attention and each kid wants their turn sighting in the guns! What a great thing. The new 3 year old girl now has become an expert shot as a result of using this item.

For months I have been trying to get the scope on my toddler's rifle boresighted. Little did I know he had asked for this for his birthday. After ripping open the present, he went straight to his safe, grabbed his rifle, and had it boresighted in no time. Thanks for a great product!

This thing works great for putting a red dot inside your neighbor's living room.

Only complaint is that it fits only one caliber, 300 Winchester Magnum.
This caliber is way too big for most children to handle.

After that much balls-out redneck fucktardery, that last review almost sounds sane.

Oh, it's so large...

posted on Mar 20, 2010

It was inevitable that this typo would happen one day.

Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so.

posted on Mar 10, 2010

So there I am, just like I am 50 times a day, checking out this funny pic on the neener-net, when it suddenly occurs to me that I am reading a metablog of a reblog of a digital photo of a frickin' pencilled note!

I'm pretty sure this says something important about the nature of reality, but on the other hand does anybody actually use reality any more?

Edit: Okay, I think it is becoming a trend to write your blog using some antiquated technology and then post a photo of yourself doing it. I'm seriously considering composing my next mobu missive in lead type, and then making a woodcut of me doing it, and then digitizing the photo into Morse code so that I can send it by telegram to my website.

Steampunk Clock

posted on Mar 9, 2010

The Gastown steam clock has always been a minor nuisance to me as I head back and forth to the office, since I have to negotiate the crowds of tourists and walk between slow photographers and their subjects. Little did I know all this time that I have been walking past one of the coolest real-world Steampunk monuments. Some Russian steampunk enthusiasts noted the clock while here for the Olympics, and wrote it up at steampunker.ru. I especially like the video theme music.

Lord of the Flings

posted on Feb 15, 2010

When the Olympic torch went through my neighbourhood...

posted on Feb 12, 2010

... not.

Thousands of people in the streets, protesters with black flags and balaclavas, and a wall of mounted cops blocked the route. The poor torch runner got redirected down an industrial route instead. You'd think my neighbourhood would like the torch, given how much it looks like a giant spliff.

I'm pretty sure the whole plan to run the torch down Commercial Drive was just a misdirection, to get all the anarchists concentrated in one spot that was easy to divert around at the last second. Once they saw the torch run divert, the protesters marched up the drive to intercept the torch at 1st Ave, but the mounted squad intercepted them at Charles St, as you see here. The protestors diverted into an alley to get around the mounted squad, but this maneuver caused them to slow down and lose cohesion, since many of them preferred to beat their drums and shout "Get those animals off those horses!" at the police. After the torch was clear of the neighbourhood, the police rode off, and everyone went back to drinking coffee and plotting their takeover of the world, while the schoolchildren that had gone on a special field trip to see the Olympic spliff all pouted and cried.

The end of terrorism is nigh

posted on Feb 9, 2010

South Carolina has brought anti-terrorism to the next level. Their latest method for catching international criminal masterminds is breathtakingly brilliant in its simplicity and elegance: simply require all subversive agents to fill out a Subversive Agent Form, naming themselves as a subversive agent intent on the illegal overthrow of the U.S. Government. They also have to name their leaders and co-conspirators, and attach minutes of their meetings in which they plot the doom of the USA.

Not only is it the perfect plan, but to top it off, there is a $5 filing fee, hitting those dumb ol' terrorists right in the pocket. Double-whammy!

And to think how much we're wasting on Olympic security, when bright ideas like this are just there for the taking.

If there is such a thing as infinite awesomeness, this video has it.

posted on Feb 1, 2010

Alaska Nanooks 2010 Hockey Intro from Szymon Weglarski on Vimeo.

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